Not Cut Off, Not Close: Navigating Emotionally Immature Family Relationships
Not every family relationship fits neatly into “stay close” or “cut them off.”
For many adults, especially around the holidays, the healthiest option lives somewhere in between. You may care about your family, feel a sense of loyalty, or want to maintain connection, while also knowing that closeness comes at a real emotional cost.
This middle space is often misunderstood. It can be mistaken for avoidance, coldness, or immaturity. In reality, it is often a sign of emotional clarity.
Why family relationships feel harder during the holidays
The holiday season tends to activate old attachment patterns, even for people who have done significant personal work. Being in familiar roles, environments, and dynamics can pull us back into ways of relating that no longer fit who we are.
Common holiday triggers include:
unresolved attachment wounds
nostalgia and fantasy expectations about family closeness
pressure to “be fine” or “be grateful”
difficulty setting boundaries without guilt
hope that family members will finally show up differently
When these patterns activate, adult coping skills can temporarily go offline. This does not mean you are regressing or failing. It means your nervous system is responding to familiar emotional cues.
Emotionally immature family dynamics
Emotionally immature family members often struggle with:
taking things personally
validating others’ experiences
reflecting before reacting
tolerating accountability
managing conflict without escalation
Interactions with them can leave you feeling small, dysregulated, or like a child again, even if you are competent and grounded in other areas of your life.
This can make family gatherings feel confusing. You may wonder why something that “should be fine” feels so draining.
The in-between relationship
Not every family relationship is meant to be fully close. At the same time, not every situation calls for cutting contact entirely.
Some people are safest in the middle space, where there is contact without emotional overexposure. This might mean staying connected while no longer seeking attunement, understanding, or emotional repair from people who are unable to offer it.
This is not disloyalty. It is emotional maturity.
What the middle path can look like
Being “not cut off, not close” may include:
shorter visits or limited time together
group settings instead of one-on-one interactions
avoiding emotionally charged topics
using internal boundaries, such as lower expectations
planning exits and recovery time
limiting intimacy rather than ending the relationship
The goal is not to punish anyone or prove a point. The goal is to protect your nervous system and preserve your sense of self.
What you can control
In emotionally complex family dynamics, there are limits to what you can change. You cannot control how others behave, what they say, or whether they take responsibility.
You can control:
your expectations
your emotional availability
your boundaries
how long you stay
what topics you engage in
how you prepare
who you reach out to for support
how you recover afterward
Focusing on what is within your control allows you to move through family time with more steadiness and less self-betrayal.
When therapy can help
Therapy can be especially helpful if you:
feel dysregulated or flooded around certain family members
fall into old roles despite wanting to respond differently
struggle with guilt when setting boundaries
feel stuck between distance and closeness
want to maintain connection without abandoning yourself
Working with a therapist can help you build internal boundaries, stay regulated during triggering interactions, and make intentional choices about how you show up in family relationships.
I offer virtual therapy for adults in New York and Florida. If this resonates, you can learn more or schedule a consultation through the link below.