Attachment Styles Aren’t Fixed — Here’s Why That Matters for Your Relationships
When people first learn about attachment theory, they often treat it like a personality test: “I’m avoidant.” “I’m anxious.” “I’m secure.”
But here’s the truth: attachment styles aren’t fixed traits. They’re not hardwired into you for life, and they don’t define your capacity for love.
What Attachment Styles Really Are
Attachment styles are adaptive strategies — patterns you learned early in life, shaped by your relationships with caregivers, that helped you stay connected and safe in the ways you knew how.
Over time, those same strategies can show up in adult relationships. But unlike personality traits, they can shift — sometimes gradually through healing, and sometimes in response to life events.
You’re Not “Just One Style”
Most people are a blend. You might lean more anxious in some relationships and more avoidant in others. You might even notice shifts within the same relationship over time.
Why Styles Can Change
Attachment is dynamic. It can shift due to:
Healing work — like therapy, self-awareness, and secure relational experiences.
Life experiences — new relationships, breakups, or changes in support systems.
Trauma or feeling unsafe — which may cause you to swing toward more protective patterns.
Pedulation: Flipping Between Styles
Some people experience what’s called pedulation — moving between anxious and avoidant behaviors, sometimes within the same relationship. This isn’t “regression.” It’s your nervous system adapting to perceived safety or threat.
You’re Not a Label
You might have avoidant patterns, but that doesn’t make you cold or incapable of intimacy.
You might have anxious tendencies, but that doesn’t make you “too much” or overly dramatic.
Attachment theory is most helpful when it invites curiosity, not self-diagnosis. It’s a lens for understanding — not a box to get stuck in.