Why Ghosting Hurts More Than We Think

When someone disappears without explanation, it doesn’t just confuse your emotions—it confuses your brain. Ghosting creates a sense of unfinished business that the mind and body interpret as danger. What feels like emotional pain is also your nervous system’s way of alerting you that something important has been left unresolved.

Why Ghosting Feels So Unsettling

Ghosting isn’t just emotional. It’s biological.
Humans are wired to detect cues of safety and belonging through consistent communication and contact. When those cues suddenly vanish, your nervous system interprets it as a loss of safety, which triggers anxiety, rumination, and hypervigilance.
(Porges, 2011; Cozolino, 2014)

The Brain’s Need for Closure

Your brain loves completion. When a relationship or friendship ends without clarity, it activates what’s known as the Zeigarnik effect—unfinished experiences continue to replay in working memory until the loop is closed.
That’s why you might keep checking your phone, rereading messages, or wondering what you did wrong. It’s your mind’s way of trying to finish an incomplete story.
(Zeigarnik, 1927; Baumeister & Leary, 1995)

Attachment and Ghosting

Ghosting can strike deep emotional wounds connected to your attachment history.

• For people with anxious attachment, ghosting can feel like confirmation that they are too much or not enough.

• For those with avoidant attachment, disappearing can feel safer than confrontation.

• People with disorganized attachment may swing between both—seeking closeness, then fearing it once it’s there.
  (Bowlby, 1988; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019)

Understanding your attachment style can make ghosting less about blame and more about recognizing patterns that repeat.

How to Find Resolution Without Closure

You may not be able to get an explanation from the person who ghosted you, but you can give yourself a sense of closure.
Try these steps:

• Acknowledge what you lost, even if it was only the potential of what could have been.

• Identify what the silence brought up—fear, shame, confusion, or rejection.

• Redirect the mental loop by writing about your experience, sharing it aloud, or performing a small ritual of release.

Research shows that labeling and expressing emotion helps the brain organize the experience and calm the nervous system.
(Pennebaker, 1997; Coan & Sbarra, 2015)

You Deserve Relationships That Don’t End in Silence

Healing from ghosting isn’t about getting answers from someone else. It’s about recognizing that your worth was never dependent on their ability to communicate or stay.
You can’t control how others exit, but you can learn how to honor your own endings.

If ghosting or unclear relationships have left you feeling anxious or stuck, therapy can help you process what happened and rebuild your sense of safety in connection.

When we talk about attachment styles, the focus is often on dating and romantic relationships. But the same patterns that shape intimacy and trust with partners also influence how we connect with friends.

If you have ever wondered why you might overthink a delayed text, feel uncomfortable with too much closeness, or notice patterns of push-pull in your friendships, your attachment style might be playing a role.

Below, we’ll explore how the four main attachment styles — anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure — can show up in friendships.

Anxious Attachment in Friendships

If you lean anxious in your attachment patterns, you may notice yourself:

• Rereading texts or worrying about your tone after sending a message

• Feeling crushed if a friend hangs out with others without inviting you

• Overextending yourself (planning, initiating, giving gifts) in an effort to “prove” your value

• Interpreting small delays or changes as signs your friend does not care

• Seeking frequent reassurance that the friendship is okay

Avoidant Attachment in Friendships

If you lean avoidant, friendship dynamics may feel different. You might:

• Rarely initiate plans, even if you want to see someone

• Downplay your struggles instead of asking for help (asking feels too vulnerable)

• Feel uncomfortable if a friend wants too much closeness or frequent contact

• Prefer surface-level hangouts rather than deeper check-ins

• Be more likely to ghost or let friendships fizzle to avoid confrontation

Disorganized Attachment in Friendships

Disorganized attachment often carries both anxious and avoidant traits, creating a push-pull dynamic. In friendships, you may:

• Reach out for closeness but pull back when things feel “too intense”

• Alternate between oversharing and withdrawing

• Misinterpret neutral actions (like a late reply) as rejection

• Feel suspicious of kindness or worry that people will not stay long-term

• Notice your friendships often feel unpredictable, both to you and to others

Secure Attachment in Friendships

With secure attachment, friendships often feel steady and reciprocal. You may:

• Go long stretches without talking and pick up right where you left off

• Feel comfortable saying “no” without guilt or fear of losing the friendship

• Not assume the worst if a friend is busy or slow to reply

• Enjoy both giving and receiving support in balanced ways

• Experience friendships that feel consistent and reliable

Why This Matters

Understanding how attachment styles show up in your friendships can help you see patterns more clearly and begin to shift them if they are holding you back.

Your attachment style does not have to define or control your friendships. With awareness and support, you can strengthen your connections and experience friendships that feel safe, nourishing, and secure.

If you’re curious to explore your attachment patterns more deeply, therapy can be a powerful tool. A therapist who understands attachment can help you build strategies to create friendships that fit your unique needs and values.

✨ I offer virtual therapy for adults in New York and Florida.

Attachment styles aren’t fixed boxes. They are adaptive strategies that your nervous system uses to stay safe and connected. One of the most important — but often overlooked — parts of attachment is pendulation.

What is Pendulation?

Pendulation describes the natural swing between different attachment responses.

You may notice it if you feel anxious and clingy one moment, then suddenly shift to avoidant and wanting space the next. Or you might feel securely attached in one relationship, but more anxious or avoidant in another.

This shifting is not random. It’s your nervous system adapting to the environment, stress level, or the people you are with.

Why Pendulation Happens

Attachment is dynamic, not static. Your nervous system constantly scans for cues of safety or threat (Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory, 2011). Pendulation can happen when:

• Stress increases: You might swing from avoidant to anxious when you fear losing someone.

• Trauma is triggered: Old patterns resurface as your body tries to protect itself.

• Context changes: You may feel more secure with a supportive partner but shift in relationships that feel unpredictable.

What Pendulation Means for Healing

Many people over-identify with a single “style,” believing they are just avoidant or just anxious. Pendulation shows us that attachment is flexible.

• These shifts are not regression — they’re adaptation.

• With therapy, awareness, and supportive relationships, pendulation often softens.

• Over time, you may experience more stability and security, even if you still notice shifts.

Why This Matters

Understanding pendulation helps reduce shame. Instead of seeing yourself as broken or inconsistent, you can view these shifts as part of how your body seeks balance.

Recognizing pendulation can also help you:

• Communicate more clearly with partners.

• Notice patterns without over-pathologizing.

• Approach your attachment style with curiosity instead of judgment.

Bringing it Into Therapy

Therapy offers intentional space to notice these swings with compassion. Instead of getting stuck in labels, you can explore what your pendulation is telling you about your needs, boundaries, and nervous system.

👉 If you’d like to explore your attachment patterns, I offer virtual therapy for adults in New York and Florida.